The World Needs a Couple of Good Chicken Movies
Do you want to know how many dog movies are out there? After some exhaustive research, (I typed “how many dog movies are out there” into my Google search box), I have concluded there are exactly a bazillion of them! And do you know how many chicken movies there are? I’m not talking about the movies where chickens have bit parts—anytime Hollywood constructs a scene that is supposed to be either old-timey or rural, you can bet there will be a few chickens pecking around—but how many movies are there where a chicken is a main character, where a chicken saves the day, where the movie is about a chicken? My exhaustively researched answer: “Zippo.”
And why is that? Time and time again I’ve written in this blog about how smart and lovable chickens are! Put them in their own movie and they would be stars!
Imagine this heartwarming final scene from “Homeward Bound – Prodigal Poultry.” The family is gloomily gathered at the empty coop where the chickens have been missing for months. Suddenly, in the distance they hear faint cackling. Anticipation stirs in all of their hearts, but they all morosely tamp it down because it has just been too long. Still….Jamie whispers, “I hear cackling.” Hope cocks her head and listens carefully. “Why, I’d know that clucking anywhere!” Suddenly a bedraggled Polish hen bursts through the underbrush and joyfully runs full-bore toward the family! Jamie, with a look of complete surprise on his face, calls out “Penelope!” and runs to the little hen and scoops her up into his arms. The whole family rushes forward to pet and cuddle the little lost hen. Then Hope shifts her gaze toward the edge of the woods just as a small Silkie hen breaks through, running toward the girl as fast as a Silkie hen can run. “Sissy, oh, Sissy!” Hope cries out as she gathers up the fluffy hen in a tight embrace. “Oh Sissy,” she sobs, “I’m never going to let you go away, ever, ever again!” The family and the chickens huddle together, hold each other, exclaim and celebrate. Then they become aware of Peter standing dejectedly by himself and scanning the shadows at the edge of the woods. Everyone stops their celebration to look at Peter unhappily. “Roger Rooster was old,” Peter says as tears form in the corners of his eyes. “He was old, and it was just too far.” He turns to walk away. And just then, a decrepit old rooster with patches of feathers missing limps slowly out of the woods. Peter stops and slowly turns around. His face turns from sadness to astonishment to joy as he calls out, “Roger! Roger!” and runs to collect the old rooster in his arms. The family gathers together. The music swells. The movie fades.
I would go to that movie! But nothing like that is being made! It’s not like folks in Tinseltown are unfamiliar with the appeal of chickens. After some additional exhaustive research (um…yeah, Google) I’ve constructed the following list of Hollywood types who actually have their own chickens: Barbara Streisand, Julia Roberts (“Chickens are amazing and are a hardworking animal.”), Kate Hudson, Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Aniston (her chickens love pasta and “love to be talked to.”), Reese Witherspoon ("We have chickens and we grow cucumbers and tomatoes. I love it. It reminds me of where I grew up in Tennessee."), Helen Hunt, Elizabeth Hurley, Amanda Seyfried (who also has goats and a donkey), Jennifer Garner (who posted a picture of one of her hens, Regina George, on Instagram and said,“Regina loves long walks, dehydrated bugs, and kale.”), Miley Cyrus, Hillary Swank, and without a doubt many others. That’s obviously not everybody in the movie biz, but it’s a pretty impressive group – so I would like to think that chickens have one scaly foot planted firmly in the door.
Given that a chicken movie is an idea whose time is undoubtedly near at hand, and considering that there are all these important Hollywood people who would not only advocate for a chicken movie but perhaps would also be anxious to star in one, I’ve decided to proactively come up with a few movie ideas. These are all original concepts and are entirely the product of my creative process – so when you see them on the silver screen, remember that you saw them here first and that I am at that moment probably swimming in a gold bathtub filled with my royalty payments for concept rights:
Sassy Come Home
After her impoverished family is forced to sell her, a sweet Dorking hen named Sassy flies her new owner’s coop in Yorkshire and makes her arduous way back to her Surrey home.
Hen Ten Ten
A little boy named Rusty is orphaned in the old West. He and his faithful chicken Hen Ten Ten are adopted by the troops at an army outpost in the Southwestern desert where they help bring law and order to a lawless land
101 Speckled Sussexes
A clutch of innocent Speckled Sussex chicks is stolen away by the evil Cruella de Vil who has nefarious plans to use their feathers in a really bad fashion statement. Their mother hen must find them before it is too late.
Henji
Henji, a loveable free-range Faverolles must save two kidnapped children.
Old Yeller Roo
A stray yellow rooster shows up at a frontier Texas homestead and bonds with a teenage boy while his father is gone on a cattle drive. First viewed by everybody as a scraggly old rooster, Yeller Roo is soon loved by the entire family.
And my personal favorite idea:
Chicken Wars
Cluck Skywalker, orphaned as a young cockerel, joins forces with a Jedi Roo, a spaceship pilot named Hen Solo, her Silkie sidekick Rooclucka, and two hendroids to rescue the beautiful Princess Layah, and save the galaxy from the clutches of the evil emperor.
You like these ideas? I can probably come up with a million more. And if you know anybody in Hollywood, please pass my ideas along to them!
